Message from a dear friend
I am writing some diaries during a war. I share them with many friends in the UK, Belgium, France, USA, Austria, Australia, Sweden, Switzerland and some other countries. They share them widely. They translate them into their languages and share them more. Some great old and new friends read them and share them on their FB pages.
One of these friends is Marianne Blume, a very dear and very close friend from 1995, when she came as a teacher of French language to Gaza. We met. We became friends. She connected us with theatre makers in Belgium, Phillipe Dumoulins and Claudine Artz, and through this connection we were able to perform in Belgium, France and Luxembourg for several years.
Marianne is reading my diaries and she sent me this voice message a few days ago.
Marianne: ‘Hossam, you write a lot but you don’t tell what you feel, how you feel. Personally, I know that you watch horrible things and you want to tell us how you live but how is Hossam inside? This is what I want to know. Big, big kiss.
Dear Marianne, I am trying my best to ignore my feelings. I don’t have the luxury or the opportunity to think of me or my feelings. I can tell you and you only, that I am afraid. I look strong but I’m very weak, afraid for my family, for Salma, if something happens to me.
For my old mother, what would happen to her if I die?
I try not to think, because thinking will kill me. I get involved in my job and in helping people so I don’t have time to think.
I am tired and want to rest.
I want to cry and can’t find my tears.
Only now, while writing this to you could I cry, I’m crying now and thank you because I need it.
Marianne: My dear Hossam, I understand but I was feeling that you were there in your texts but absent from yourself. Take care. All my thoughts are with you.
I thought that my other friends should also know how I feel, so I wrote it down and am sharing it with you.